My Attraction To The Female Body

I've always been attracted to girls, even though sex never crossed my mind when I was younger. I always imagined girls would come running to me, being my friend and enjoying my company, like any other prepubescent girl would want. But the truth is, relationships are complicated for me.

I've had sex with three boys. One felt like an obligation, in order to have some experience in sex to lose my virginity. It was so awkward, as sometimes, he kissed me making his cheeks bubble in and out, like a fish. My naivety and his adolescent sleaziness ultimately led to an unexpected pregnancy and abortion, caused by a broken condom. Now scared of sex, I stayed away from it. Another one was a sweet fellow who was shaking while taking off my clothes and wanted to "make love to every part of my body". But while he was performing cunnilingus, I faked my sounds, trying to think of something arousing. I thought of a stripper dancing in a sexy manner on a pole. He wasn't able to get it up as he was nervous and I refused to give him a blow job. While we danced in the clubs, I was always looking at the girls instead of him or other guys.

The third one I liked a little better. He was Welsh and had a way of talking that pleased me, such as "When was the last time you cried?" It was enjoyable. 

I did really like him; he was kind, fun and outspoken. He was a chef working for a very rich Jewish family in Geneva. He told me to stop being depressed over little things such as the weather and heavier things like my friends abandoning me. I had the best time with him while I was out. We went back to his place, which was in the country side surrounded by luxurious homes, including one house in which his boss had purchased solely for house parties. It was paradise. 

When the sex started, the condoms were used and he didn't come inside me, I'd never let him anyway, and I enjoyed pleasuring him and vice versa. But for me, it the sex was awkward. I couldn't get pleasure for myself, even though I liked this man, I wasn't wet. It was so strange. I stepped out a few times to go to the bathroom and to try and get aroused, all the while thinking of women. When I decided to give him a blow job, I decided I would not swallow,  as I found it disgusting.

The next day, my face was scratched by his beard, like he had a sandpaper chin.
It wasn't meant to be between him and I. His boredom of Geneva increased and his work was taking a toll on him. He didn't contact me over Christmas and decided we should break up. He kept on telling me to leave my friends who were ignoring me alone, as they were not worth a damn. And he was right.
While we were dating, I went to lesbian parties to find some girls.Then a few months after the break up, I went on a trip with some lesbian friends of mine to Zurich to go clubbing. My intentions was to get a girl to sleep with me. The was a massive failure with one who spoke only Spanish, and with my limited language, attempted to talk to her. When I went to the bar, a man came up to me and asked if I was a lesbian. When I said yes, he said he was gay and that the girl I was talking to was straight and waiting for her boyfriend, and then told me to back off. What would a straight couple be doing in gay bar? Just staying with their gay friend?
As the night progressed, I finally hooked up with a girl who was interested in me. She had piercings in her mouth and it definitely increased the pleasure when I kissed her. The woman who organised the outing said I should take her back to my hotel. And I did.
For the first time, I had sex with a girl. And for the first time, I got wet. It was just what I needed.
But for some strange reason, the girl didn't want to be touched. She was one of those "I touch you but you don't touch me." kind of gals. She had floppy stomach and body, which was like touching dough. Unlike mine, which is full of hard fat and cellulite. I was on top of her and I rode her, it was exquisite. She didn't speak much English, but we got on really well. It turned out she had a friend of hers who drove around celebrities and she got to meet several of them in person! They included Anastacia, Angie and Brad and Avril Lavigne, my idol.

The girl left later to go to a family gathering in the daytime. I was also brutally rejected by the woman who organised the trip and banished me from her apartment when I arrived there, out of jealousy.

After that, everything made sense. Sex with girls are what suited me better. I don't call myself a lesbian, but simply a woman who likes women. I've had emotional attachments to men, but I know that the sexual part of it wouldn't be for me, as I like women's bodies too much. And if I did get into a relationship with a man, the sex would not satisfy.  I would always have that urge, the lust for a woman's body and the caress of hers on mine. If I got into a relationship with a man, I would cheat on him all the time with girls. I decided it was better to just date girls.

I tend to be attracted to boyish looking girls, as the androgyny is so fascinating and beautiful. Some people say to me: What is the point of going for a boyish girl when you can just get a man, and he has the whole package? Well it's not exactly the same thing now is it? They may look like boys but when you take off their clothes, they're not exactly identical twins.

Girls are hellishly complicated, however. I tend to be more aroused when it's a girl that I really really like. But the boyish girls just simply don't go for me and it's a shame. So I believe Im not worthy and get desperate and go for who ever is attracted to me and move too fast, which is not a good way to start a relationship.

It pains me to hear people talk so negatively and often violently of gay and lesbian people. We tell the truth about ourselves and we are just being ourselves and we want to be free to live our own lives? Is that so terrible and wrong?

Why do people hate something so beautiful such as love or attraction, with such power, that they want to kill that person and destroy them?