I was in my grandmothers house, with my grandfather still present. I walk in my family casually watching a film with Jennifer Aniston. She confronts a conman who took advantage of her family and he responded by backhanding her, leaving a bloody wound on her forehead. I go upstairs and start hitting myself, angry that there was no warning. My grandfather caught me and asked why I was hitting myself with a hairbrush.
In the same room, I was on a date with a trans man, Jason, formally Amelie, the butch girl I used to date. And I was very self conscious about the bruising on my face. But Jason didn’t seem to notice. I exchange numbers with him, noticing that his name is not the same as his Facebook profile.
9:02
I’m on the train on my way to Disneyland. I’m excited but also very tired. There is a reason I insist on trying to get back to sleep after his nibs, AKA my cat Inky, taps me awake at around 6 or 7 every morning with his razor tipped claws. The train ride is peaceful in first class, and the silence is uninterrupted apart from the pit stops. Usually decks would be filled with screaming and crying children, enough to grate firmly on one’s nerves.
I am often anxious and depressed, which I am forced to quench with bottles of rum and coke a couple of times every week. I think about attending Alcoholics Anonymous, but apart from being hungover for work, tired out and craving junk food, I don’t see it being a big enough reason to attend the meetings.
There are other factors in my binge drinking that are more troublesome: the self harm. Scratches, slaps, punches, cutting and using my hands as toys for Inky to use.
The pains of growing older, the struggles of my autism, the difficult navigation being queer in a world that is slowly but surely drifting away from its initial comfort has left a bitterness in my chest that leaves me deeply, deeply unhappy.
So with that in mind, trips away from home, and this one especially, is sorely needed.
I am able to leave my kitty with my fellow pet sitters, and not have to worry about whether or not he’s gobbled up a piece of plastic. Twice he has had to be taken to hospital to remove the unwanted objects from his stomach. The first operation one being the most expensive, given his consumption of plastic knobs from his toys had accumulated over time.
He’s currently a little annoyed at my absences, complaining loudly at me viewing a Netflix show rather than playing with him. The problem is, he is often bored by the activity of the toy, and is only active after a meal or a trip to the litter box.
Cats are demanding, fickle creatures, and mine is scared and shy of newcomers in my apartment.
But I don’t believe I’ve loved something as much as I’ve loved this little fellow. Thinking of it being any other way is agonizing. I paid 300 Swiss francs for him to be delivered and it was the best 300 I ever spent. Initially, my mother was horrified that I would have to pay that much for a little kitten, worried I was getting scammed. But it turned out the first batch Inky’s mother’s kittens had been given away for free, and the owner discovered that one of the kittens was severely neglected due to the woman being an alcoholic. She decided that if a value would be placed on these new kittens, people would make the effort to really take care of them.
It also turned out that Inky’s pica, the condition in which animals and some humans eat indigestible objects out of stress or something else, is heredity. The mother also had to be taken to the vets for the same thing.
The trip took a rocky start when, starved and light-head, and rushed off my feet, forgot my case just as I passed the ticket gates, forcing me to go back through another guy exiting, retrieved it and buy another ticket.
Had my mother and I simply stopped over for a small lunch, got our heads screwed on, and then went hunting for the RER machines, the near crises would have been avoided. If I were here alone, that is exactly what I would have done.
When we finally get there, it is every bit as phenomenal as I thought. The room wasn’t ready yet so we decided to head to the Disney studios.
My mum and I went on the on the flying carpet ride, one of the few she could really stomach go on, and the carpet didn’t even fly up high like the others.
I managed to go on several rides and make the most of it, including riding the new Avengers roller coaster, Flight Force. Formally the Aerosmith roller coaster.
It was intensely thrilling and I got a buzz off it.
I am still drinking still a bit, but no more than two per meal. The thrill I get from the rhum and music I get here, in the parks, and on the rides. It’s a strange, yet wondrous feeling.
Attending a theme park is an escape from the horrors of the world. The night before, as we settled down to watch Ratatouille, mum told me not take what we had for granted as the hotel we were staying was proper luxury. I couldn’t help but feel that doubt whether I deserve it or not. It was all paid by mum after all. But it was a birthday present.
Day 2
A big part of the park is queuing queuing queuing. And sometimes you can queue only for the ride to break down just as you’ve reached the end of the line. In the case of Crush’s Coaster, which given the ride being associated with the ever popular Finding Nemo, is always the longest queue of them all.
Still, safety first is paramount. And sadly, safety measures are written in blood. As somewhere sometime in the past, there have been mutilations and deaths
Indeed big thunder mountain, an outside roller coaster shaped like a train, zig-zagging inside and outside of a man made mounting at extreme speed.
The mood here is thoroughly jolly. Families dancing in the street, giggling in delight, outside and inside the park. It truly is like being in a Disney film.
Mum is not feeling well. She is faint and her stomach is incredibly queasy, which makes her shut her eyes at the Star Tours ride. She had been feeling off and on on our recent trips due to the things she ate or drank.
I quickly notice a queue piling up outside Hyperspace Mountain, formally space mountain but re-designed as a Star Wars ride. Many of the famous rides go through redesigns in order to include new characters. Star Tours featured C3PO guiding us though instead of a random robot, and also featured an appearance from Dark Vader. HyperSpace Mountain was closed up until that point and I rush in to join the line. The disappointment of not having gone on Crush's Coaster is eviserated after I manage to only wait less than 25 min to get on, which is not long to wait for a ride like this.
There are some rides I will not go on. Peter Pan's flight is out of the question as, like Crush's Coaster, is a long wait in the queue. Only this is no roller coaster, but only a mild ride in a box that only lasts about a minute. The Hollywood Tower of Terror is not a roller coaster, but a giant elevator that you get strapped on and fall from a great height. I had done something similar with Toy Story's parachute drop, but I don't have to wait as long, and it's outside.
Then there is the Haunted Mansion. I was obsessed with the place since a young age and I loved it every I went on it. Its horror themes and creepy animatronics fascinated and frightened me as a child. The reason I don't go on it this time around, is because I am kind of exhausted by its concept at that point. I had watched the Muppets Haunted Mansion special on Disney+, and I found it to be a bit meh. The magic for me had gone, as I knew the ride by heart. Even though I had gone on several other rides many times before, if I had to skip one ride to go another, this would be it.
At night, after a long, tired day of walking, mum and I kick off our shoes and relax until we want to go out for dinner. I take advantage of the hotel pool and go for a swim. During dinner and drinks, mum quizzes me about the psychiatrist I'm now seeing. Then the conversation turns to my Aspergers, which I'm always uncomfortable talking about to her, as she knows all the less than perfect shenanigans I did when I was a child.
Day 3
We go back to the Studios to visit places we hadn't gone on before, and I myself have another go on Avengers Flight Force. As well as the redesigned train ride which at one point was meant to show how movie stunts were co-ordinated, a well as famous props from movies. Now it was renamed Cars Road Trip, after the Pixar movies.
Several re-designed rides, in order to incorporate known characters from both Star Wars and Disney films, works for the better, such as Star Tours. Others such as Cars Road Trip, not so much. A good part of the excitement of Disney Studios is being shown how stunts are created. Those attractions have now been replaced by other Disney characters telling stories, which doesn't do well in their favour.
We make one last stop at the Disneyland Park to go on the last few attractions before heading back to the hotel to retrieve our bags and head to the station. We mount attractions such as the Molly Brown cruise in Frontier land, a ride on a Buzz Lightyear laser tag and pay a visit to Fantasyland, which I didn't really get to visit that much. Pinnochio's voyage and the dragon's den inside the castle is something I want to visit, but sadly there isn't enough time. Mum is always paranoid about missing appointments or plane or train rides, so we get end up arriving at the destinations at ridiculously early hours.
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Overall, it was one of the best holidays I've had in a very long time. And it was nice to know that despite having depression, anxiety and any all other forms of mental illness, I could be happy for a few days in what's known as one of the happiest places in Europe. And that fills me with hope.
:)
