Disneyland Diary Entries

24.10.2013
On the train right now and I'm on my way to Paris.
Was just told by another man to keep the music down on my IPod.
I felt a swift rush of anger go through me. That's the second time someone's told me that my IPod earphones were too loud. Was reminded of that prick in the NY metropolitan museum who told me firmly to delete a picture of him cleaning a trumpet in the music section. I was almost in tears. I mean, what the hell is he doing working in a popular museum in the daytime if doesn't want his picture taken?
Last night, before I went to bed, I was super excited to watch the TLC biopic that premiered on VH1, but 30. minutes into the movie, I fell disappointed and angry, not because  the movie wasn't good, but because it WAS good, but they censored all the swear words. What.The.Fuck?
Why? I would like to know why are they censoring the good work that these actresses are putting into their roles by undermining their anger and sadness with bleeped out swear words. I'm pretty sure they cut out a few other scenes too in order to keep it "family friendly". Bullshit! You simply cannot censor a journey that one goes through in life. You can't just skip one part and go directly to another, it doesn't work like that.
Got to Marne La Valée and to the hotel in one piece and everything went according to plan. My back is aching though when I sit down. I have a feeling it's because of the tight clothing. Shit. This place isn't exactly renowned for its food.
Went on the ride with the quickest queue, Armageddon, followed by the longest queue, Crush's Coaster, which is more than 65 minutes long. Ugh. I'm outside and the line isn't even moving that fast. But it was a great ride, so it was worth it.
Ive outlined the rides I absolutely want to do - which is Pinocchio's voyage, which is something I've never done before, eat at the Blue Lagoon go back to the rainforest cafe and Indiana jones the temple of doom. And big thunder mountain that I didn't get to do last time, because of construction. I think someone got hurt on one of the rocks

After Crush's coaster, all I wanted to do was go on the Aerosmith ride, but it had closed. Are there some kind of limited hours that I didn't know about. It's 4:22 and I'm not ready to go back to the hotel. Maybe I'll do some shopping after I've finished this too-hot-to-handle coffee.

I did manage to get on the Aerosmith ride but it was slightly disappointing. The roller coaster was there but the music was missing from the last time I went on it. And instead of the feeling of being high, I was met with a pain in my uterus. It never happened before.
After that I went to the Planet Hollywood restaurant, and it was at this moment that I felt alone and was in need of company.
I don't feel like the same person I was 2 years ago when I last came. I'm more mature but always still so sour.
I think I may have made a terrible mistake in not bringing my laptop or my DS3d. I didn't think I would need it given that the last time I didn't have any of them. But at night, I get bored and I want something to do besides watching stupid dubbed French TV.
Tomorrow I'll do some more shopping and I'll get myself some tracky bottoms.

25.10.2013
I woke up and got down to breakfast early I so I didn't have to get in line. But there was one already, however, it went very fast and there were no more queues. The food was surprisingly nice and unlike the last time I went into Santa Fe, waiters picked up the trays and the tables were clean.
Last night I got embarrassed as I was standing completely naked in front of a window, with a man standing outside. Yikes!
I like being naked, but only on my own, or with a lover (I really want one!)
When I go for a sleepover at my friends house, I'm the only one who doesn't put any pyjamas on and I just go to sleep in my underwear. Not because I want to, but because I don't bring my pajamas.
Once saw a girl in school at a spa getting into the Jacuzzi, and upon coming out, her bikini top came right off. First her right and then her left breast drooped down and she didn't even notice it. Both tits hanging out and notices nothing. I quickly let her know, and she covered them up casually.

I finally went to eat at the Blue Lagoon, and I have to say, it was worth it.. Delicious food and a lovely decor, it was fantastic.
I then went on Space Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, Pinocchio's Voyage Big Thunder Mountain and Indiana Jones The Temple Of Doom. The latter was disappointing. At least with Big Thunder Mountain and Space Mountain, they had themes to it, miner and space, but the temple of doom had nothing apart from the fact that it was outside

Getting a bit sick and tired of waiting all the time. Eating alone is no fun, and people treat you as an inferior if you're only one at the table. But here most of the waiters are very nice.
Tomorrow I will go back to space mountain and see if I have a good photo of myself. Then back to the studios.
As for getting to the party tomorrow night in Lausanne, I have to get back home, get my gear on, get some money out, get to Cornavin, get a train to Lausanne and get to the party. That's exhausting. I'm hoping to get some sleep on the train.

26.10.2013

I'm in Annette's Diner waiting for an all American meal. I've been on Space Mountain again, and even though I was the the only one who looked calm, I didn't take the picture.
I definitely think three days is just enough for me, I don't think Ill be going back for a while now. It's just that dream I keep having of going back, on the other side of the lake - dreamland.

Now what I'm looking forward to is going home to see my friends - at a Lesbo party. Lol
I've started watching the L Word again, and I'm telling you right now, it's the most influential lesbian show ever. I certainly know what character I am: Carmen. Beautiful, feminine, tattooed, music loving Latina bombshell. I'm going to ask the girls which L word they consider themselves.
I finished my trip in the Disney Studios on a Toy Story parachute drop and on the Studio Tram Tour, just to see Jeremy Irons.
I went back to the hotel and got my bag back and headed towards the station.
All in all it was a good time, but's better when you're younger. The more extreme rides were great.

My Attraction To The Female Body

I've always been attracted to girls, even though sex never crossed my mind when I was younger. I always imagined girls would come running to me, being my friend and enjoying my company, like any other prepubescent girl would want. But the truth is, relationships are complicated for me.

I've had sex with three boys. One felt like an obligation, in order to have some experience in sex to lose my virginity. It was so awkward, as sometimes, he kissed me making his cheeks bubble in and out, like a fish. My naivety and his adolescent sleaziness ultimately led to an unexpected pregnancy and abortion, caused by a broken condom. Now scared of sex, I stayed away from it. Another one was a sweet fellow who was shaking while taking off my clothes and wanted to "make love to every part of my body". But while he was performing cunnilingus, I faked my sounds, trying to think of something arousing. I thought of a stripper dancing in a sexy manner on a pole. He wasn't able to get it up as he was nervous and I refused to give him a blow job. While we danced in the clubs, I was always looking at the girls instead of him or other guys.

The third one I liked a little better. He was Welsh and had a way of talking that pleased me, such as "When was the last time you cried?" It was enjoyable. 

I did really like him; he was kind, fun and outspoken. He was a chef working for a very rich Jewish family in Geneva. He told me to stop being depressed over little things such as the weather and heavier things like my friends abandoning me. I had the best time with him while I was out. We went back to his place, which was in the country side surrounded by luxurious homes, including one house in which his boss had purchased solely for house parties. It was paradise. 

When the sex started, the condoms were used and he didn't come inside me, I'd never let him anyway, and I enjoyed pleasuring him and vice versa. But for me, it the sex was awkward. I couldn't get pleasure for myself, even though I liked this man, I wasn't wet. It was so strange. I stepped out a few times to go to the bathroom and to try and get aroused, all the while thinking of women. When I decided to give him a blow job, I decided I would not swallow,  as I found it disgusting.

The next day, my face was scratched by his beard, like he had a sandpaper chin.
It wasn't meant to be between him and I. His boredom of Geneva increased and his work was taking a toll on him. He didn't contact me over Christmas and decided we should break up. He kept on telling me to leave my friends who were ignoring me alone, as they were not worth a damn. And he was right.
While we were dating, I went to lesbian parties to find some girls.Then a few months after the break up, I went on a trip with some lesbian friends of mine to Zurich to go clubbing. My intentions was to get a girl to sleep with me. The was a massive failure with one who spoke only Spanish, and with my limited language, attempted to talk to her. When I went to the bar, a man came up to me and asked if I was a lesbian. When I said yes, he said he was gay and that the girl I was talking to was straight and waiting for her boyfriend, and then told me to back off. What would a straight couple be doing in gay bar? Just staying with their gay friend?
As the night progressed, I finally hooked up with a girl who was interested in me. She had piercings in her mouth and it definitely increased the pleasure when I kissed her. The woman who organised the outing said I should take her back to my hotel. And I did.
For the first time, I had sex with a girl. And for the first time, I got wet. It was just what I needed.
But for some strange reason, the girl didn't want to be touched. She was one of those "I touch you but you don't touch me." kind of gals. She had floppy stomach and body, which was like touching dough. Unlike mine, which is full of hard fat and cellulite. I was on top of her and I rode her, it was exquisite. She didn't speak much English, but we got on really well. It turned out she had a friend of hers who drove around celebrities and she got to meet several of them in person! They included Anastacia, Angie and Brad and Avril Lavigne, my idol.

The girl left later to go to a family gathering in the daytime. I was also brutally rejected by the woman who organised the trip and banished me from her apartment when I arrived there, out of jealousy.

After that, everything made sense. Sex with girls are what suited me better. I don't call myself a lesbian, but simply a woman who likes women. I've had emotional attachments to men, but I know that the sexual part of it wouldn't be for me, as I like women's bodies too much. And if I did get into a relationship with a man, the sex would not satisfy.  I would always have that urge, the lust for a woman's body and the caress of hers on mine. If I got into a relationship with a man, I would cheat on him all the time with girls. I decided it was better to just date girls.

I tend to be attracted to boyish looking girls, as the androgyny is so fascinating and beautiful. Some people say to me: What is the point of going for a boyish girl when you can just get a man, and he has the whole package? Well it's not exactly the same thing now is it? They may look like boys but when you take off their clothes, they're not exactly identical twins.

Girls are hellishly complicated, however. I tend to be more aroused when it's a girl that I really really like. But the boyish girls just simply don't go for me and it's a shame. So I believe Im not worthy and get desperate and go for who ever is attracted to me and move too fast, which is not a good way to start a relationship.

It pains me to hear people talk so negatively and often violently of gay and lesbian people. We tell the truth about ourselves and we are just being ourselves and we want to be free to live our own lives? Is that so terrible and wrong?

Why do people hate something so beautiful such as love or attraction, with such power, that they want to kill that person and destroy them?

Men who cry in movies

Throughout the ages, men, in general are not supposed to cry at all and are supposed to be macho and bury their emotions. But it simply isn't true with most of them. I watched the Voice UK last year and I saw Danny O'Donague shed tears over his beloved finalist who inspires him so. 

In the movies its the same thing. In 1939, actor Clark Gable refused to cry in the scene where Scarlett loses her baby, thinking it would ruin his image, but his co star Vivian Leigh convinced him go through with it. Ever since then there's been a great wide range of men unafraid to show their emotions on screen. Here are just a few examples:

1

Robert Downey Jr.  The Singing Detective

Basically, this is the only scene in the movie to watch, because not only does it tie all the shoe laces to what can be described as flashes, hallucinations and unfinished story lines, manly over his unhappy childhood that led his character to extreme anger fits, its also an amazing piece of acting by Robert Downey Jr, pretty much one of his best scenes in his films.

2

Colin Farrell  In Bruges

Farrell won a Golden Globe for  Best Actor in a comedy for this film, and no wonder. His character as failed hitman Ray is both insanely and disgustingly hilarious and tragic at the same time. In this scene, depressed and ready to kill himself over the accidently killing a small boy, he makes history; he goes from being totally hilarious to tragically heartbreaking. I don't know how he did it, but it's just spot on great acting and should be applauded.

3

Tom Cruise Magnolia

Male Chauvinist Frank TJ Mackey puts on a huge front to his students be a proud misogynist, while inside he hurts tremendously from seeing his mother's heath deteriorate and then die, while harboring intense hateful feelings towards the father that left them both. When he pays visit to the dying father he hardly knows, he breaks down completely in tears, in both bitterness towards him and in grief that he is dying. A performance definitely worthy of an Oscar nomination.

4

Tom Hanks  Forrest Gump

There's nothing worse than loosing the love of your life, and Tom Hank's emotional scene at Jenny's funeral is heartbreaking but powerful at the same time. He may have been stupid, but he knew what love was.

5

Al Pacino  The Godfather part III

An older Michael Corleone confesses to a priest all the sins he committed in the first and second film, notably ordering the death of his brother Fredo. He then bursts into bitter tears after the confession. For some reason, many people had a problem with this scene, mainly because so much time had passed  since the second film and a lot of things had happened since then. Nobody wanted to see Michael break down because of what he did. But I thought it was an important scene to show how much of a broken man he was and how he desperately wanted to take back the innocence that was forced off of him in the first film. I  thoroughly enjoyed Godfather part III and Frances Ford Coppola made a brilliant conclusion to the epic series.

6
Will Smith Seven Pounds

This is definitely considered one of Will Smith's greatest performances. His portrayal of a man stricken with inconsolable grief and guilt and who goes on a journey to find different candidates who need a donor is beautifully spot on. Now the very strange thing here is , when it came out, it was critically bashed and flopped at the box office, but later cited as an excellent picture. I think the reason why is because men didn't want to see a grown man cry and feel guilty over something bad that happened to him. Also, it came out at Christmas, a festive and jolly season, and this film was a depressive dramatic film that perhaps no one wanted to see at that particular time (the same thing happened with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo).

7

Robert De Niro  Raging Bull

It's a particularly famous scene, in which Jake LaMotta, who lost everything, his family, his money, his fame and his freedom because of his violence, sleaziness and impulsiveness, is put in a cell to rot. He then pounds his head and his fists against a wall violently and breaks down in tears sobbing "They call me an animal, I'm not an animal, I'm not that bad". It's the definite portrayal of a man who has hit rock bottom.

8

Daniel Day-Lewis In The Name Of The Father

In this biopic on 4 innocent Irish people falsely convicted and imprisoned for an IRA crime involving the bombing of a pub, Daniel Day Lewis gives one of his best performances of his career. Poor Gerry Conlan is slapped around and screamed at in order to get him sign a false confession. Sobbing hysterically, the tortured soul signs out of desperation to end his misery, only for him and his family to be horrifically vilified in court as murderers and psychopaths and sent to prison. It's probably one of the best films involving false accusations ever.

9

Jeremy Irons Dead Ringers

The co dependant relationship the Mantle twin gynaecologists share, along with their marvellous work is shattered when one of them becomes a drug addict and looses his grip on things. A depressed and paranoid Beverly cries miserably to his twin brother Eli (also played by Jeremy Irons) that he believes his loved one is cheating on him. Unfortunately, once Beverly completely snaps, Eli slowly follows suit, leading to tragedy. 

10 

Christopher Walken The Deer Hunter

A less notable scene than the infamous Russian Roulette sequences, this moment takes place in a hospital, where a couple of doctors ask Walken's character Nick some personal questions. According to director Michael Cimino, he told the actor who played the doctor to keep on pressing Walken for answers and told Walken not answer or say a word. This led to the memorable moment where he tries to speak, but chokes on his own words and breaks down in tears.

11

Heath Ledger Brokeback Mountain

The scene in the cabin, where Ennis hugs his late lover's clothes and his eyes fill up with tears, whispering "Jack, I swear." is one of the most heart breaking moments in the film, or in any film for that matter. It's once again proof that Heath Ledger possessed something really special in his acting ability.

12

Simon Pegg Shaun of the Dead

This is an amazing movie. A laugh out loud hilarious, wittily intelligent, rom com - with Zombies.

The titular character Shaun is the average loser, constantly failing and finally falling out with his girlfriend. The next day, he is stuck in a bar with his mates fending off zombies.

Despite the the film being incredibly funny, there are also sad moments and Simon Pegg sheds many tears to keep the situation dramatic and then it shifts swiftly back to humour, which makes it the perfect horror comedy

13

Kevin Kline in The Ice Storm

(Spoilers beware)

In this tale of infidelity, family relationships and sexuality, dealing with the social and economic changes of the 70s,  a few families are somewhat reunited together at the end after a terrible tragedy. Kevin Kline's character Ben Hood, sobs uncontrollably in the car with his family after a local child is killed in an accident. At the end of the film, I too was in tears. Ang Lee's brilliant and beautiful adaptation of Rick Moody's novel touches with such a profound level at human emotion, it makes it one of the best films of the late 90s.

14

Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game

This is probably the most disturbing one on this list. Mainly because the main character, real life codebreaker, father of computer science and gay icon, Alan Turing, is so complexly engaging and likeable. By the end of the film, due to the chemical castration the authorities gave him to "cure" his homosexuality, he is  physically, mentally and emotional unstable. Usually stoic and in control, he completely breaks down in intense sobbing. Hard to watch is an understatement.
Cumberbatch confessed that he couldn't stop crying after the first take of the scene. Quite frankly neither could I, after watching it.

New York Thoughts

I always wanted to be a good writer and a story teller. Travelling always gets me inspired  and fills me up with imagination and to go to place like New York, its vast height skyscrapers, beautiful neighborhoods and calm residences and the famous hustle and bustle of Times Square making an impression on me the first and second time I came here, with so much history, ( although it doesn't date that far back) it should have been perfect.
But it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. Here in New York, everything is built on speed.
I wasn't aware of all the trouble one had to go through in order to feel comfortable in New York. You have to have a lot of patience and understanding in order to live here a couple of days.

The vacations of course, were not without its flaws. Whenever you go on a holiday,  going with a person depends entirely on how you feel about them. Whether it be your loved one, your friends or family, there's either going to be pure joy or pure sadness, or just mild frustration. Mine was the latter, combined with the second. I came to New York in order to appreciate it. But once I came here, with my mother and her boyfriend, things emerged as a negative, with constant tension and a couple of arguments. If a little thing happens, such as the zipper on your bag coming loose, or you decide to order a vodka and coke for lunch, they say something to you that you find offensive or upsetting. With my friends, however, they make you feel like it's no big deal.  If you find a group of people that you know you've had a brilliant time with, you're going to compare them with others.  And my experience in New York with my family and Olivier has not been a breath of roses. There are simply way too many sights to see. Therefore you have to go from one place to another just to take a picture. You move here and there, taken over by the crowd, and forces to move, walk and run, never stopping or sitting down somewhere, and you simply don't take in the juices and the tenderness of the city or the park. Everything is passing by you, like a life not lived, not full to the brim. And being with those kind of people, even if we don't say anything, just makes me feel trapped, like a caged bird.

I remember as a child, one of the most horribly sad pictures I ever saw. There was a game board, like Ludo,  with different pictures of a goose in different situations, laughing, dancing, eating or down a well. One of them struck me; A goose in prison, behind bars with her head sticking out, and crying a lot of tears. She seemed so miserable like that. Even though it only meant you missed one turn and the picture of the well was the worst one, where you got stuck in the well forever unless someone else landed on the picture and took your place, that image stayed with me forever.

It was representative of pure depression, loneliness and hopelessness. I sort of consider myself a pessimistic type, but I don't want  to be that way anymore. I wanted to be someone with a bubbly personality, not always complaining about all the bad ways people treat me. Why did I always go home in tears after being bullied? Why did I not toughen myself up? Not all females do. Girls and homosexuals are more likely to be bullied at school, because they are perceived as easy targets, and that they are too weak willed to fight back.
It's the same case in LGBT politics. Once gays and lesbians began to fight back and make themselves visible to the world, the conservatives began to get angry, and started reinforcing laws to push back LGBT people back in the closet. There are basically bullies in every domain.
The most important thing in life is how you view yourself.
I had the luck to be able to visit the Stonewall Inn while we were all out visiting Greenwich Village. The place is a historical sight for LGBT people, as it is the setting of the Stonewall Riots. Gays and lesbians, sick and tired of being harassed, bullied, beaten and thrown in jail for nothing, fought back against their oppressors and regained their rights, continuing throughout the decades and to this day. It was as I expected it to be, loud, full of great music and lively people. My mother was intimidated of course, not wanting to go to the bathroom. But the karaoke session and great singers, cheered her up a bit.

It was one of the few places where the people were actually nice. The attitudes in America are the worst I've seen. At the airport, in the buildings and in the shops, they overcharge and over exaggerate everything. The worst thing is that they not only put on a stone face and act arrogant and snobbish,  but they don't even tell you why you can't do the simplest things like sit down during a long wait to get up a building,  bring in a knife or getting into a club.
They are also the loudest people in the world. I basically count the fact that I (and my mother) have quiet voices so we have to speak up in loud places or as in the case of the last night in an Irish pub, extremely loud people. I don't think it was just because they were drunk, two or even all four of them simply had to talk and shout the loudest just because they absolutely had to be heard, like none of the other's opinion mattered.

While we in New York as well, we got to see a Broadway musical. In a way, it compensated for not seeing any celebrities while we were there, unless we saw a play, or the musical Evita with Ricky Martin. Rock of Ages was the musical my mother chose to see. It was probably the funniest musical ever. It was also really fulfilling, brilliantly performed and raunchy. When I saw the film version however, I was disappointed. It may as well have been another film about something else.
Before the show started, a strange women kept yelling at the top of her voice "No photography, EVER!" I knew full well there were no photos allowed, but she seemed to become particularly aggressive towards people every time she saw a camera. All she needed was a whip at her side...

I really did enjoy the bus rides around the city, with a tour guide speaking over the microphone giving us a detailed history about some of the buildings, parks and neighborhoods. One night time ride across both the Manhattan and Brooklyn bridge proved to be one of the most exiting experiences of the trip. The guides were sometimes just as interesting as the discovered history of the city. One person was completely obsessed with death; she mentioned John Lennon being shot at a building at least 5 times, exclaimed that Luther Van Dross funeral was the best ever, in a way that she could have been talking about a party, and when we passed the same college that Bill Cosby attended, she simply had to mention the fact that his son was killed in a mugging. lol

After watching some footage of the World Trade Center towers collapsing after two air planes crashed into them, I had forgotten how terribly shocking the whole thing was. I was at home and watching the news on CNN on that faithful day. I wasn't painfully present in the city as many were, and the unfortunate people who were in the towers and in the planes. They are now building a new tower, a very high one, to prove that they will not be brought down forever by the incident (optimistic Americans) and show two beams of light at night to commemorate the towers.

Every big trip this year changed me, like Paris, I discovered a different way to view myself, and to act around people. With mum and Olivier, I was totally in my eccentric element, although it does do me some good to act like a bitch sometimes. I act differently around different people in order to keep them satisfied. Because I'm not like Katherine Hepburn (first woman in Hollywood not to sugar coat her personality, which was strong and feisty, to appeal to the man trolling world) or bubbly like my friend Karrianne,  I have to invent my own planning to appeal to people. Because I have an intense fear of rejection, I simply don't want to lose friends or leave people, but I've gotten better at accepting myself.

21 and a nice girl, not a party girl.

I often wonder at my age, is it okay that I haven't been in a relationship that lasted more than a month, that I've only had two people whom I've made love to, that I'm not as rowdy as the rest of my friends, that I haven't had a bad life, that I come from a good family, that no one close to me has died, that I haven't smoked a joint when I want, that I haven't travelled as much as I wanted, that I haven't been in a real fight for a good cause or that I keep making the same (very little) mistakes again.

The answer is: It's still to come.

Most of my friends tell me the reckless things I want to do are best not done. They've all done it, though. And even though they are bad experiences, they are experiences nonetheless and I hope I would have them, if possible.